Loving Hugs
by Marie Tomas
Summary: After weeks of arguing between Sam and Dean and pushing each other away, Dean is admitted to hospital suffering with exhaustion, causing Sam to decide that he and Dean need to be more open and affectionate with one another and share more hugs. Sam takes Dean to a diner to talk about his idea of hugging more, but Dean isn't exactly an enthusiastic participant in the discussion.


**Disclaimer:** As usual, all recognizable characters and settings belong to the writers and creators of Supernatural.

* * *

**Loving Hugs**

* * *

"Dude, we need to have more hugs."

Sam had waited all morning to say it, and he'd even spent the past few hours almost deciding against saying it out loud, but now that the thinly veiled request (or maybe it was a demand) was out there, spoken across a table at a diner, it felt like the right time to ask.

Dean had only been discharged from hospital a couple of hours ago, and Sam still felt shook up by the fact that Dean even had to go there in the first place.

Sure, injuries and dangerous situations went with the territory when they were hunting, but they could usually deal with all of that themselves, and this time, Dean had collapsed _in between_ their regular hunts, apparently suffering from a case of exhaustion, according to the doctors' general diagnosis.

In a strange way, this scenario made Sam feel even worse. It was too unpredictable, too unexpected, too under-handed, like whatever was conspiring against them in the universe had been way too sneaky with that move. It was a painful reminder of just how easily bad things could happen, even when they weren't hunting, a reminder of how they could still be taken completely by surprise by cruel twists of fate. It was also a reminder that they were both still human, and susceptible to the usual human weaknesses.

Sam might have known, deep down, that Dean hadn't been in any life-threatening danger, and that Dean wouldn't have gone anywhere near a hospital if it had been his own personal choice, rather than the good deed of a helpful passer-by, but still, it hadn't stopped the gut-clenching feeling of terror when Sam first received the phone call to say that his brother was in hospital; it hadn't stopped his hands from shaking, or his heart from pounding, or the feeling of guilt, or the what-ifs and the disturbing possibilities running through his mind.

On his way to the hospital, while he tried but failed to keep to the speed limit, Sam couldn't help but think about how he hadn't even been _with_ Dean when he collapsed, because they'd been carrying out their research separately, in different parts of town. They'd been doing that a lot lately, usually after yelling at each other and then spending time apart, or going for days without talking to each other after their exhausting hunts, silently pushing each other away.

They'd been arguing that morning as well, and as he pulled into the hospital parking lot, Sam felt physically sick at the thought that if the worst had happened, his last memories of Dean would have involved arguments and long silences and a general lack of closeness. He'd known there and then that something had to change, but he'd been too anxious to think clearly about what he wanted to do to change it.

It was only after he arrived at the hospital and he saw Dean in bed, all groggy after just waking up, looking so vulnerable in his relaxed state and just as exhausted as the nurses had implied, that Sam had been hit with an overwhelming urge to just climb up on to the bed and throw his arms around his big brother, so that he could pull him in close, hold him tight, comfort him, tell him that he was sorry and remind himself that Dean would be okay. He had _really_ wanted to take part in something that would physically show Dean just how relieved he was that things hadn't been more serious.

Yet he had stopped himself at the last second, hesitating when Dean rolled his eyes, and fully restraining himself at Dean's no-chick-flick-moments comment, realizing that a hug wouldn't be 'allowed', given the circumstances, because the situation hadn't been 'near-death' enough (in Dean's opinion, anyway) to merit any shared Winchester affection. And for the first time in a while, this idea had really bothered Sam. He had finally acknowledged, if only to himself, that he wanted to be more open and affectionate with Dean without the suggestion of this affection causing even more tension and drama.

"I'm serious about the hugging, Dean, and I don't just mean our usual back-from-the-dead hugs," Sam quickly added, as soon as his thoughts were back in the present moment, just in case the implication wasn't clear enough in his first sentence. He then glanced nervously across the table at Dean, waiting for some sort of response.

"_Dude_," Dean sighed. He sounded half-exasperated, half-amused. "You need to warn me when you're bringing me to a diner just to have a chick-flick moment; I only came here for the pie…"

Sam threw a half-hearted glare at his older brother. It wasn't as though he had expected Dean to be totally on board with his proposal to share more hugs, and it was true that he _had_ brought him to a diner and promised pie and drinks as some sort of bribe, in the hope that Dean would be more open to talking about feelings and affection with the promise of junk food at the end of it to soften the blow, but still, he had hoped that Dean would be a _little_ more sensitive, after everything that they had just been through.

They'd already spent most of the morning arguing, first because Sam had wanted Dean to stay at the motel all day and rest, but Dean had wanted to go out, complaining that he'd already been confined to a hospital for hours, and then they had argued again as soon as Sam agreed to go get something to eat, because he had thought that it'd be better if he drove the Impala to the diner, but Dean had insisted that he was fine to drive.

Sam was getting tired of every discussion turning into an argument, and he just wanted Dean to back down and let Sam take care of him, and also allow him to be affectionate with his brother for a little while. If Dean thought that that made Sam a chick, then Sam really didn't care right now.

"_Dean_," Sam sighed in return, trying to work the bitch-face to maximum effect, "can't you just hear me out?"

He briefly wondered if the other customers would find it kind of strange, that two brothers who pretty much knew everything about one another actually had to have a formal discussion about the amount of hugs they shared, as though it were something that required planning and precision and the setting of boundaries. He shrugged, deciding that maybe it was just a Winchester thing that other people would never understand.

"Fine," Dean grumbled after a few moments of silence, looking like he'd rather be talking about anything else. "_Why_ do we need to have more hugs?"

Sam suddenly felt like he was a little kid again, with Dean or Dad asking him questions in the I-know-better-but-I'm-just-humouring-you tone of voice.

"Because…" Sam responded, struggling to put his thoughts into words. He felt like he had been subconsciously preparing himself for this discussion for a long time, but after years of repressing emotions, it was really difficult to express himself now that he finally had the opportunity. Anyway, he wasn't sure that Dean would be ready to hear the main reason just yet. "You used to hug me all the time when we were kids…"

He hadn't intended for the end of his sentence to come out as a wistful sigh, but Sam couldn't help feeling sad as he was reminded of all the times when his big brother would pull him in for a hug when they were younger, offering comfort and affection whenever Sam was sad or anxious, or offering his congratulations when Sam got good grades, or offering a cheerful hug as a greeting whenever they had spent the day apart at school. Sam could still clearly remember running towards Dean at the end of the day, thrilled that his brother was there to meet him at one of the many elementary schools he attended as a kid, and he would always feel so happy the moment he jumped into Dean's open arms.

"We're not kids anymore, Sam," Dean shrugged. As if Sam wasn't already painfully aware of this fact.

"You were always _good_ at giving hugs," Sam tried as his second reason, trying his best not to admit defeat. "Why not share your gift?"

"I'm good at a lot of other stuff, too, Sammy," Dean replied with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Most of it kinky. You want me to share _those_ gifts with you, too?"

"Shut up, Dean!" Sam snapped, feeling himself blush for some reason, the way he always did when Dean deliberately made comments to make Sam feel uncomfortable.

"You _do_ look like you'd be good at giving hugs..."

Sam heard a female voice interrupt their conversation. He looked to his right to see an attractive waitress with long blonde hair, smiling at Dean as she held out his plate of pie.

"And good at the other stuff, too…" she added with a blush.

Predictably, Dean smirked right back at her, and Sam was pretty sure that he caught Dean licking his lips as his eyes flickered from the waitress to the pie, as though he were looking at everything he liked the taste of, wrapped up in one pretty package.

Just as Dean opened his mouth to respond, Sam folded his arms and glared at the waitress, and he saw a hint of nervousness and uncertainty in her expression.

He hadn't exactly planned on giving her the 'back-off' look, and normally, he wouldn't have cared if Dean interrupted their brotherly moment to go flirt with a hot woman (the flirting happened pretty much all the time anyway, with Dean, and Sam would have been a lot more surprised if his older brother _hadn't_ noticed a good-looking woman in the room), but right now, he really didn't want Dean to find an excuse to get away from their discussion about having more hugs, because he was pretty sure that Dean would never let him bring the topic up again, once he got Sam to drop it.

Anyway, back at the hospital, as Sam had looked around at all of the visitors sitting by the beds of their loved ones-siblings, best friends and partners- he had felt a strange rush of possessiveness when he looked back at Dean, as well as an overwhelming feeling of '_mine_', like it was just the two of them facing the rest of the day (and the rest of their lives) together, like no one else would ever understand the strange but deep bond the two of them shared, like no one would ever feel the same sense of fear at losing Dean that Sam had just felt, and even right now, at the diner, Sam still felt like he wasn't over it; he still wanted Dean all to himself for a little while longer, even if his brother was probably going to drive him crazy with petty arguments for the rest of the day, and he definitely wanted Dean to sleep in their motel room tonight, rather than a total stranger's room, so that Sam could keep a close eye on him and check that he was really okay.

The waitress must have picked up on something in Sam's expression, because she hesitantly placed the plate of pie down on the table and left without another word, with Dean sighing wistfully as she retreated.

"It's not like we get much affection from anyone else," Sam quickly added as his next reason, as though there hadn't even been an interruption, "with the two of us spending so much time on the road-"

"Some of us _might_ have more opportunities to share 'affection' with other people," Dean cut him off with an irritated glare, his mouth already full of pie, "if certain annoying little brothers didn't drive them away…"

"I'm talking about _real _affection, Dean, from people you actually care about. It wouldn't hurt you to seek comfort from someone _without_ it being all about sex every once in a whi-"

"Dude, you're such a chick!" Dean complained, covering his eyes with his hands in apparent embarrassment.

Sam was about to point out how ridiculous that sentence sounded, but he knew that Dean would take advantage of _anything_ that might lead them away from the hugging discussion, so instead he went for his main reason, the one that he had been saving up all morning and silently debating whether he should even put it out there.

"All the other visitors at the hospital got to hug _their_ family members," Sam mumbled, ducking his head in embarrassment and worrying that this discussion had already gone too far.

He heard Dean sigh. "Just because everyone else is doing something, Sammy, it doesn't mean that you have to do it, too. I thought we had this conversation when you were a teenager-"

"Very funny, Dean!" Sam snapped sarcastically at his brother. He took a few calming breaths before he continued. "I _wanted_ to hug you, Dean; but it was like I _couldn't_, like I didn't have permission or something, and that sounds so _pathetic_, when we say it out loud, and it doesn't have to be like this. Do you know how bad it was, getting that phone call? Dean, if anything had happened, if I'd lost yo-"

"Are you done?" Dean cut him off abruptly, indicating Sam's empty plate and half-empty glass of water as he finished the last of his pie. His body language was defensive, and he looked really uncomfortable.

Sam wanted to protest, or argue, or get back to their discussion, but before he could open his mouth, Dean was up out of his seat, quickly paying the bill and heading in the direction of the door, and Sam knew that the conversation was over.

Sam followed reluctantly behind him, finally letting out a sigh of defeat.

* * *

The ride back to the motel was definitely an awkward one.

Sam didn't even have the energy to insist to Dean that he should be the one driving the Impala, and he settled on resorting to the silent treatment instead, sitting in the passenger seat with folded arms like a kid and completely ignoring Dean, alternating between keeping his head down and staring sulkily out of the car window. Sam almost found it funny sometimes, when he thought about how easily they fell back into their childhood roles of big brother and little brother in difficult circumstances.

"You gonna keep this up the whole way?" Dean asked him eventually.

Sam simply shrugged and went back to staring out of the window.

Annoyingly, he was pretty sure that Dean looked kind of amused, now that he wasn't looking so uncomfortable, and he definitely caught a few grins every time he chanced a look at Dean.

It was like Dean was in on some private joke, or like he got the joke before Sam did, or like he knew something that Sam didn't know.

The journey back to the motel seemed a lot longer than the journey to the diner, and Sam almost felt relieved when they pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car.

"You used to _love_ giving me hugs," Sam heard himself mumble almost unintentionally as they started to head towards their room, fully aware that he was still stuck firmly in his sulky little brother role. He wasn't really sure if this was another one of his reasons for hugging more, or simply an expression of his sadness about how much things had changed between them since they were kids. "You even had the T-shirt to prove it…"

Sam was certain that he saw Dean blush, but then Dean was glaring at Sam and walking away from him in the direction of the motel room, pushing the key into the lock with a lot more force than Sam thought was necessary when they got to the door.

Yet the second Sam closed the motel room door and it was just the two of them in the room, Sam noticed that something was different about Dean's body language, like he was tensing up, steeling himself, getting ready for some kind of fight, and Sam could almost feel something shift in the air, in the atmosphere around them, like things were about to change.

"Fuck it," he heard Dean whisper.

Then, before Sam could ask him what was going on, Dean was turning around to face him, walking towards him with an intense look on his face and throwing his arms around Sam so fast that their bodies practically crashed together, as though he had to do it so rapidly out of fear that something might get in the way if he went any slower.

It took Sam a couple of seconds to get over the shock of having Dean slam into him like that, and a little while longer to process the fact that Dean was actually hugging him, but then he quickly got with the program, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean in return, and pulling him in, trying to bring him closer so that he could savor the moment, even though he kind of knew that it would be impossible to be pressed any closer to his brother than he already was.

It felt _so_ good, to have his big brother holding him so tightly, like he was caring for him, protecting him, and it felt even better knowing that they could have this moment without having to deal with the pain and the confusion that often went with the other situations when they typically shared hugs.

It took a couple of minutes for Dean to fully relax into the hug, for the tension to leave his body, and Sam was painfully aware of the feeling of Dean's heartbeat pounding against his chest.

The whole time, Sam kept tight hold of him, wanting to make this last as long as possible, and feeling irrationally terrified that Dean would abruptly back off or get all awkward and push Sam away.

As Dean finally relaxed, Sam felt himself falling easily back into his little brother role, leaning his head on Dean's shoulder and letting his big brother take control of the hug, simply staying still when Dean started to run his hands soothingly up and down Sam's back, hesitantly at first, before his movements became more confident and he patted Sam affectionately on the shoulder a couple of times and ran his fingers through Sam's hair.

Sam might have been physically taller than his brother, but he suddenly felt as though he were about five years old again, with Dean towering above him, strong and sturdy and comforting.

For the first time in what felt like months, Sam felt the tension leave his own body as he took shaky breaths in and out. He felt so comfortable, like he could just stay this close to Dean for ever, like he couldn't get close enough, like they should do this all the time, like he was finally back home.

He was so _relieved;_ relieved that Dean was okay, and so worried at the same time that Dean would push himself to the point of exhaustion yet again, and annoyed that the possibility of losing Dean was constantly thrown in his face, and the realization hit all over again that he couldn't do any of this without Dean, that he would miss Dean too much if anything else forced them apart, that he needed Dean close to him, he needed Dean to not push him away.

Sam felt something wet against Dean's shoulder, and he blinked in confusion a couple of times before it finally hit home that _he_ was the cause of the fabric getting wet. He blinked even more rapidly in sudden panic, desperately trying to hold it together, because he knew that Dean wouldn't have been prepared for the crying, and it might be a step too far-the final limit that would cause Dean to decide that this was all too much and stop the hugging.

"Hey," he heard Dean mutter, using the soft and reassuring voice that he always used when Sam was a kid.

And that voice was _it_ for Sam. He felt his whole body shake as he unwillingly let out the breathless sobs, trying to bury his head even further into his brother's shoulder so that it wouldn't be so obvious.

"Shhh…" Dean whispered in Sam's ear, running his hands up and down Sam's back again and leaning his head even further towards Sam's. "It's okay…"

It was like Dean _knew_, like he had known all along that it was _Sam_ who really needed this, like his raised eyebrows at the diner and his smirks in the Impala had been little knowing nods, small acknowledgements of the truth behind the situation.

Maybe Sam had convinced himself that it was Dean who needed the affection after his ordeal, but as he continued to cry on Dean's shoulder, letting go of tears that seemed to have been held back for years, Sam realized that deep down, _he_ had needed the comfort, he had wanted the reassurance from Dean that he was okay, that _they_ were okay. It was like Dean had worked it out first that it was his little brother who was desperately craving the affection, like he had finally worked out that Sam couldn't suppress the need for it any more, not after so many years of keeping everyone at a distance, years of subconsciously imitating Dean and their father.

The gradual realization made Sam cry even harder, because he felt kind of selfish, making this _his _moment instead of Dean's, because he had genuinely believed when he first suggested sharing more hugs that the extra affection would be a way to help and comfort Dean, and a way of getting Dean to open up a little.

Yet he had a feeling that this moment wasn't really about the hospital or the discussion at the diner. It all went a lot further back than that, and Sam felt like all of this had been building up for a long time, and that all of their arguments were really masking a need for something else.

"Shhh," Dean repeated again, more insistently, like Sam was thinking too loud, and Sam just let his thoughts go for a little while, relaxing back into the hug as his sobs subsided and he just enjoyed the moment while he could.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, with Sam's arms wrapped tightly around Dean's waist and Dean sort of swaying a little, as though Sam were still a child and he was gently rocking him back and forth.

It was only when he felt Dean's grip loosen a little that Sam whispered, awkwardly but firmly, "We're going to do this again, more often; it's not going to be a one-time thing, and we're not going to wait until the next disaster. Just…uh…maybe I'll do it without the crying next time…"

He was sure that he felt Dean laughing up against him, then Dean patted him on the back again, even though the gesture was more friendly and playful than soft and affectionate this time, and he finally pulled back from Sam.

Sam was reluctant to let go, in case Dean really did refuse to let this happen ever again. He held on to the sleeve of Dean's leather jacket a little too tightly and for a little too long, before Dean gave him an almost pleading look and the moment started to get a little awkward.

"Biggest chick flick moment _ever_," he heard Dean mutter with an exasperated shake of his head as he moved further away from Sam, quickly regaining his composure as he shrugged off his jacket and headed to the bathroom.

But Sam was pretty sure that he saw Dean grinning just before he closed the bathroom door, and he couldn't stop his own lips from curving up into a smile, feeling like he needed to see the funny side to break some of the awkward tension.

* * *

Sam had worried that there would be hours of uncomfortable silences after the hug, but to his surprise, the day went on as normal; they did some research, they went out for a drive for a break, they ate more food and they argued about what to watch on TV. Yet something felt…_different-_good different-between the two of them, like some of the tension had eased up, like some of the unspoken anger had gone, like they were more comfortable around each other, like an invisible barrier had been broken, or a wall had been knocked down.

Sam felt it when Dean agreed to let him drive the Impala, when he finally allowed Dean to choose the TV channel and Dean grinned at him gratefully, and when Dean eventually moved onto Sam's bed to watch TV, claiming that Sam had a better view from his position in the room, and he felt it the most when Dean agreed to take a couple of days off from hunting, so that he could get some rest.

Sam knew that things hadn't just magically healed between them; he knew that they still had things to talk about, and that their arguments, issues, past tensions and difficult hunts would never fully go away, but the hug felt like a first step in the right direction, and that was enough for Sam, for now.

And, just to reiterate his point that they were going to share more hugs, later in the evening, when Sam walked past Dean just as Dean walked out of the bathroom in his pajamas, he was brave enough to pull his brother in all over again, only briefly this time, but just enough for it to be counted as a hug, helped by the fact that Dean put his arms around Sam in return, calling Sam a girl the whole time.

Then, a couple of days later, Dean got up early, mumbling something about food as he left their latest motel room and returned with breakfast in bed for Sam.

Sam ate in silence, wondering why Dean was sitting awkwardly on the edge of Sam's bed, looking like he was nervous about something.

The moment Sam finished his last mouthful of breakfast, Dean muttered, "Come here, Sammy," and he leaned over to pull Sam into another hug, his movements kind of awkward.

Sam grinned the whole time, feeling so happy that Dean had been the one to initiate a hug again. He sighed in contentment, ignoring Dean's comments on how they were turning into a couple of chicks now.

As Sam pulled Dean in closer, he decided that he could definitely get used to a lot more loving hugs from his brother.


End file.
